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Initial communication

From:

Alien Spy Threttubray, codename: “null value/null value/heptad”

To:  

Orbital Intelligence Communications Node Guiding Intelligence Prymaesst codename: “Mu”.

Swarm Date: Retributionday; 16^th rotation of Swarm Unblemished Unity; Year of the Screaming Traitor.

I have landed and successfully invested this host body’s nervous system, which is that of one of the lowest-ranked of the four ostensibly native dominant species on this planet.

It is called a “man.”

The other three ubiquitous life forms here are called, in decreasing order of intelligence: “cockroaches,” “cats”  and women.

I estimate that cockroaches are the supreme species on this planet (which they denominate as “Trash”) primarily because, unlike cats, they are not obliged to emit sonic triggers or to deform their bodies to induce women and men to give them nourishment. Women and men alike are entirely unaware of their subservice to cockroaches and cats and thus fill the positions in Trash’s hierarchy of domination as the third and fourth within the tetrad of dominant superspecies. This second-tier pairing is denominated in my Host’s primitive consciousness with the untranslatable phrase “Liverpool and Arsenal”.

Cockroaches - though individually fragile - are genetically predisposed to overcoming almost all environmental and physical threats and have so far survived every evolutionary change and mass extinction event in the three hundred million rotations or so that Trash has made around its star since they appeared, including numerous periods of climactic warming and cooling, such as the small Ice Age that Trash appears to be approaching at the moment.

[Note for Colonial Swarm sub-leaders in the Invasion Fleet:

Cold climate planning for the genetic modification of Combat Drones and technological re-equipment for Ice Age conditions should begin now, with the proviso that the Ice Age is not wholly inevitable and might be prevented by wide- scale technological activity here on Trash. My tactical AI calculates that there is a 7.468 parts per gross probability that mean temperatures might actually rise sharply in and around many of the larger global biped settlements for a brief period within the next two years if the proposed Google/Cyberdyne Systems merger goes ahead in 2012.]

 

Back to cockroaches. These armoured and racially indestructible creatures exist on every continent and in every environment where the other three species dwell and they travel throughout them almost unconstrained by any and all competing life forms. They think and behave with a single-mindedness and dedication to survival similar to ours (though they smell and taste slightly nicer than we do), and are armoured arthropods and omnivorous and as such they are the most similar local species to the Swarm.

Extermination of the cockroaches must therefore be our Prime Directive here on Trash.

I will review my predecessor’s notes on the matter once I can reach his downed observation pod and can scrape his fluids from the pod’s data node.

Successful retrieval of data from Trash’s Syrian region might be difficult for this body to achieve for a number of reasons; not least of which is the possibility of further bombardment of the area where agent null value/null value/hexad met his fate.

Until then, we must invest our second most substantial efforts at intelligence gathering on the creatures denominated “cats,” though I should warn you and the Invasion Fleet commanders that the Tactical AI indicates a 133/144 probability that cats are either the descendants of an already successful invasion from beyond Trash’s solar system itself, or are native Trash animals invested with the guiding intelligence of extrasolar colonists in a similar way as I nestle within this body. As such, cats represent almost as deadly a direct competitor for this world’s resources as the cockroaches do.

Further intelligence will follow regarding the defensive plans and force dispositions of these enemy Quadrupeds once I have located such.

Evidence concerning the two biped species “men” and “women” is much more abundant and therefore their elimination is likely to be much less problematic. I anticipate learning the keys necessary to their extinction very soon…

This time in control of the body is growing short. Its rudimentary brain indicates that it will soon end the current stretch of dormancy and I must retreat from its awareness, but I can send out my initial impressions before the meat-suit recommences independent activity.

Men and women live in an apparently ritualised state of mutual conflict and parasitism based upon their markedly contrasting physiologies and still more egregiously opposed mentalities.

The Host’s instinct is leading it to seek an unbelievable combination of animal, vegetable and mineral matter in order to generate energy for the next light cycle’s activities.

Before I am obliged to skulk behind its temporal lobe until the next dark cycle, I have only time to send you this urgent intelligence:

Initial observations indicate that women possess very powerful psychic and telepathic powers as well as eidetic memory; both of which weapons systems the Swarm’s Warrior Caste must one day confront on the battlefield. 

This is most easily observed in contrast to the behaviour of their fellow Trash-dwellers and parasite/symbiotes the men.

I have two examples before I end this report:

# Men and women alike each receive much of their data and daily instructions through audiovisual data streaming broadcast via direct electromagnetic radiation or rebroadcast from satellites or along hardware conduits denominated “cable TV.”

Whereas men require mechanical contrivances to alter the sector of the data stream that is broadcast into their nests for much of each cycle, the women expect (and are thus expected by the men in turn) to alter the stream or channel by thought alone and thus do not require access to physical remote technology.

# Women are the record-keepers and historians of all the events on the planet known to the two biped races.

Curiously, and despite millennia of their connection with men, women remain unaware that men do not share their total recall and thus can often be observed in states of confusion and randomized conflict when the men do not possess the data which women clearly have available. Thus, men can not access vital data instantaneously (such as the annual commemorations of the hatchings of those of related genome-group sept or clan members or the location, utility ease of installation and availability of various technologies for securing the integrity and functionality of their joint fortress/nests).

Men remain especially ignorant of all data provided for them by women during broadcast datastreams: especially those broadcasts involving small ritual wars that are waged by poorly-camouflaged Special Forces platoons and waged at the regular intervals of seven axial rotations of Trash. The ability to absorb and use nest security information simultaneously with observing infantry combat is an essential military tactic and the men seem to lack any notion of it.

Given this inability to share data and to co-operate under combat conditions, I expect the joint forces of the men and women to pose little if any threat to the Warrior Caste.

The biped races should be a pushover.

Here comes breakfast; male cerebration levels are expected to reach their daily cyclical peak within 20 ichor-circulation pump-beats.

Threttubray out.